


Letting The Daves Go By

by gurntechtodhead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, discussion of child abuse, takes place during epilogues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27053305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurntechtodhead/pseuds/gurntechtodhead
Summary: just another "dave-centric discussing trauma post-sburb" fic (sorry lol) except like, this is very specifically exploring a headcanon/au where dave has osdd and that's like, the main Thing. not really anything super comprehensive, just a collection of scenes where dave's talking it out with friends and rationalizing how he feels about his trauma. written while i was dealing with my own osdd diagnosis basically because that's how it is sometimes.
Relationships: Calliope/Roxy Lalonde (background), Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam (background)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	1. Rose and Kanaya

**Author's Note:**

> i guess real quick disclaimer i have a lot of beef with psychology and the way dissociated personality parts are classified as the osdd/did diagnoses, which would be a whole other Thing but like. i guess what i'm trying to say is this is viewed very heavily from a DSM angle but psychology is a whole loaded subject anyway so what the hell, u know? anyways. it's not my best work (not that u can tell bc this is probably the only thing i'll ever post here lol) because it wasn't intended at first to be posted anywhere but i decided Fuck It.
> 
> CWs: canon-typical discussion of bro's child abuse, rose's Illness depicted in the canon epilogue, brief mention of being overly exposed to/included with the smuppets shit as a kid, and discussion of past suicide attempts

The hot summer sun beat down on various lawnrings dotted across the gentle hills of the troll kingdom. An amiable breeze would have given Dave Strider some comfort on any other day; today, however, he just felt suffocated by the way it enveloped him. He tugged at his collar as he rehearsed a jumble of meaningless words in his head, an anxious lump in his throat threatening to choke him to death before he even reached Rose’s doorstep. _Be a real heroic death right there,_ he mused to himself as her and Kanaya’s shared hive came into view. _Dave Strider, after a valiant battle with his own deepest anxieties, died fifteen fucking feet from his ecto-sister’s house, all in a courageous effort to say something kind of scary for personal reasons._

 _Oh, shut up, we’re almost fucking there, you dramatic piece of shit,_ some part of him said as he approached.

 _I’d say to cut him some goddamn slack, if I didn’t already know what a legendary tool you were._ Another argued.

Dave didn’t bother to humor these thoughts as he stepped up to the door and opened it, knocking a couple times rhythmically on the doorframe as though he wasn’t already letting himself in.

DAVE: hey rose you busy  
ROSE: Yes, actually.  
DAVE: cool im coming in

Dave meandered only somewhat stiffly into the living room, finding Rose and Kanaya on the couch. Kanaya sat upright on the far end, cradling Rose’s head in her lap as Rose sprawled out on the remaining open space. Dave took each of her ankles and lifted them out of his way to make space for himself, plopping down and letting her legs fall to his lap.

DAVE: so whats up hows it going in paradise  
ROSE: I wouldn’t call it paradise.  
KANAYA: Yes Dave I Have To Say You Have Impeccable Timing As Always  
DAVE: i know right  
KANAYA: I Meant That Sarcastically In Case That Wasnt Clear  
KANAYA: I Dont Normally Feel The Need To Announce It But Sometimes Im Not Sure You Hear It  
KANAYA: And To Think I Initially Learned How To Be Sarcastic From You  
ROSE: Kind of.  
KANAYA: Yeah Kind Of  
DAVE: oh am i legitimately interrupting something  
KANAYA: A Little Bit  
ROSE: What do you need, Dave?  
DAVE: well i was hoping to talk to rose for a bit  
DAVE: you know a little one on one  
DAVE: brother to sister  
DAVE: childhood boy legend to childhood best friend  
KANAYA: Before You Continue On In A Similarly Extensive Manner  
KANAYA: Let Me Get Something Straight  
KANAYA: You Come Into Our Hive Uninvited And Unannounced While I Am Comforting My Wife  
KANAYA: You Know  
KANAYA: Due To Her Debilitating Illness  
KANAYA: And You Demand I Leave With No Consideration To Whats Happening In Front Of You

Dave looked down to Rose. She had barely moved to fully acknowledge his presence, her head still firmly in Kanaya’s lap and one arm draped over her eyes. Bits of her hair were plastered to her face from sweat, and from the little of her eyes he could get a glimpse of, they looked sunken and exhausted. Something twisted in Dave’s stomach.

_Nice going dipshit, maybe if you actually gave a fuck you’d have noticed when you walked in._

_She’s still not better? Is she dying??_

Dave pressed his fingers to his temples for a moment before opening his mouth to respond, but Rose cut him off, her voice hoarse and exhausted.

ROSE: It’s fine. Your characteristically uninvited home intrusion aside, I could do with a distraction.  
KANAYA: Are You Sure Rose  
KANAYA: Can I Get You Anything  
ROSE: It’s alright, Kanaya, thank you.

Rose braced herself against Kanaya’s lap and painstakingly drew herself up to sit in the center of the couch, allowing Kanaya the space she needed to stand. Kanaya quickly scooped up the variety of pillows scattered on the surrounding furniture, gingerly piling them up against the arm of the couch for Rose to rest on. She helped Rose lower herself back down, and Rose thanked Kanaya as she got settled. After Kanaya gave her a swift departing kiss, she started up the stairs, casting a worried glance over her shoulder before she was out of sight.

DAVE: sorry for the home intrusion btw  
DAVE: i feel like a bit of a dipshit for not noticing youre dying  
ROSE: It’s okay.  
ROSE: I was being sincere about a distraction, by the way. Let’s get on with it.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: you know how like  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: fuck hold on

Dave reached under his sunglasses to rub his eyes. He tried desperately to get a grip on his thoughts, but everything he had planned to say was disappearing as his mind swam with anxiety. He let out a tense breath, heart racing now.

ROSE: I gather this must be a heavy topic.  
DAVE: no i mean  
DAVE: fuck i dont know  
DAVE: yeah i guess so  
DAVE: i just wanted your input on something  
ROSE: Oh?  
DAVE: you know a lot about like brains and shit i guess  
ROSE: To be fair, you’ve displayed a fair understanding of psychology yourself.  
DAVE: i mean i dont know i think i need an outside opinion  
ROSE: Of course.  
DAVE: theres something thats been on my mind since we got here  
DAVE: like that thing where you dont process how bad something was until youre done with it and you can take a fucking breather  
DAVE: in the moment its like  
DAVE: yeah whatever  
DAVE: but when its done youre like  
DAVE: hey wait a fucking second  
DAVE: that was actually pretty fucked up  
ROSE: Yeah, I know what you mean.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: so like  
DAVE: you know how everyone here who was in the game disassociates  
DAVE: weve all got heaps of mental issues after that shit  
DAVE: id be beyond shocked if even just one of us made it out without some fucking anxiety disorder or whatever  
DAVE: were all traumatized to hell and back  
ROSE: I imagine we are.  
DAVE: so like were all disassociating  
ROSE: Dissociating.  
DAVE: huh?  
ROSE: The term is “dissociation”, not “disassociation”. Common misconception.  
DAVE: wow sure thanks rose i love being corrected when im spilling my guts about the effects of my trauma  
ROSE: Sorry. Go on.  
DAVE: anyway were all disassociating  
DAVE: get us all together for a wild fucking house party  
DAVE: the kinda shit you see in those raunchy college comedies  
DAVE: weve all got our red plastic cups and at least three different scores to settle  
DAVE: then we all just fuck off to different parts of the house to stare at a wall for the next 3 hours  
DAVE: the structural integrity of this house is on a fucking lockdown  
DAVE: roof aint getting raised tonight someones upstairs making damn sure of that  
ROSE: I’m starting to regret letting you stay.  
DAVE: right sorry ill get to the point  
DAVE: the point is  
DAVE: i think ive got a different sort of flavor of disassociation  
DAVE: ive been doing some research i guess  
DAVE: and theres this shit i heard about called osdd  
ROSE: That’s a fun little combination of letters.  
DAVE: right?  
DAVE: stands for uhh  
DAVE: otherwise specified disassociative disorder  
DAVE: or something like that  
ROSE: Ooh.  
DAVE: so uhh  
DAVE: youve never heard of this  
ROSE: Hard to say.  
ROSE: I’ll be honest with you, it already sounds like you know more than I would. My childhood fascination with psychology wasn’t as all-encompassing as I made it sound.  
DAVE: whoa damn  
DAVE: teen rose didnt know fucking everything  
DAVE: i feel betrayed  
DAVE: i think i need to lay down  
DAVE: this revelation is just too much  
ROSE: Yes, I’m sure this comes to quite a shock.  
ROSE: I was mostly interested in dream psychology and personality disorders. I may have had an affinity for the subject as a whole, but getting through research papers on dissociative disorders still wasn’t as fun as reading about the very basic symptoms of personality disorders I could assign to people I knew to explain their behavior in a way that felt like it put me on the high ground, but god forbid I thought about my own problems.  
DAVE: well fuck  
ROSE: Don’t let that stop you if you want to talk about it, though. I can still listen.  
DAVE: okay well  
DAVE: osdd is like  
DAVE: sort of a catch-all for when youre just kinda fucked up but not fucked up enough for other shit  
DAVE: at least thats what i gathered  
DAVE: so its like pretty versatile in what sort of shit people could experience with it  
DAVE: and theres a version of it thats like  
DAVE: uhh

Dave paused to clear his throat, shifting on the couch uncomfortably.

DAVE: its like  
DAVE: disassociative identity disorder  
DAVE: or multiple personality disorder as it used to be called  
ROSE: Hmm.  
DAVE: whats that supposed to mean  
DAVE: dont give me vague ass hmmms or fascinatings right now i dont think my little old heart can take it  
ROSE: Sorry, it didn’t mean much. It was just an acknowledgment that I know what you’re talking about. I did read some on DID as a kid, considering its previous classification as a personality disorder.  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: okay sorry i didnt mean to snap  
ROSE: I’m noting it in your file as we speak. Patient appears to grow aggressive when under stress, akin to most other creature to ever exist.  
ROSE: We’d better keep a close eye on you, exhibiting completely normal behavior like that.  
DAVE: i know right  
DAVE: better lock me up put me in a...  
DAVE: oh christ i think i hate that joke actually can we forget where i was going with that  
ROSE: Absolutely.  
DAVE: well anyway  
DAVE: i dont think its did full on  
DAVE: its not like i normally forget shit or just tap out or anything  
DAVE: at least not all the way  
DAVE: i mean i get blurry bits in my memory but idk how much of that is normal or how much is the disassociation  
DAVE: but yknow anyway thats the thing about osdd  
DAVE: you dont have to do that shit for it to count  
DAVE: turns out ive just got some dudes up in there no biggie  
DAVE: or at least thats what i think  
DAVE: i dont really know for sure  
ROSE: If I might interject,  
DAVE: no fuck you  
ROSE: I can understand the hesitation, but it sounds like you have a pretty firm handle on what you think already.  
DAVE: yeah maybe  
ROSE: Plus, it sounds like something that’s kind of difficult to be mistaken on.  
DAVE: see youd think that  
DAVE: but ive been convinced im normie my entire life  
DAVE: if im suddenly experiencing depression i can at least think hmmm well i havent ALWAYS felt like taking a shower is the most exhausting fucking task i could possibly do so maybe this isnt normie  
DAVE: but this has been going on so long i dont really have a frame of reference for what its like to NOT be like this you know  
DAVE: is the way i am just a result of me telling myself im normie to survive or am i just straight up normie?  
DAVE: what makes me so sure im not just as weird as everyone else or im not doing this for attention  
ROSE: I don’t think “seeking attention” is normally a viable alternative to potential mental health struggles. And perhaps seeking attention and struggling with a disorder heavily involving lack of support as a child aren’t mutually exclusive.  
ROSE: At least, that definition of how it starts is my thirteen year old interpretation of DID.  
DAVE: no youre right thats the gist of it  
ROSE: What I’m saying is, maybe you are seeking attention. But that doesn’t mean you can’t possibly have OSDD as well, or that that’s inherently evil of you. We’re social creatures, of course we want people we care about to pay attention to us, especially when one is given such little positive interaction during formative years growing up. As much as I love to get on your case, I’d never blame you for the simple desire of wanting a healthy support system.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: okay  
ROSE: ?  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: i didnt expect that answer  
DAVE: i mean it makes sense and it helps i think but damn  
ROSE: To be honest, it’s something that’s been on my mind, what with the mysterious illness and all. Along with processing my own lingering childhood issues I had to put on the back burner for a little while, of course.  
ROSE: There were things I recall doing, or almost doing, that I’d convinced myself were more than just cries for help. And I mean, they WERE more than that in many cases, but can’t severe reactions to neglect and trauma have layers? In one scenario, I simply succeed in some horrible, shocking act of self harm and I potentially die, and in another, my mom finally steps up to the plate to stop me and I get the attention I wanted. Either way, I was winning and losing simultaneously.  
DAVE: ...holy shit rose  
DAVE: are you saying you like  
DAVE: attempted suicide as a kid  
ROSE: ...Well, I wanted to, but I never did. I didn’t mean to detract from our conversation, though.  
DAVE: no no thats fine im just  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: was there any sort of way that i couldve helped  
ROSE: Not necessarily, no. I would have had to tell you about my problems for you to help, and, well, that obviously didn’t happen. Even if there was anything you could have done, it’s a little late for that.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: if shit gets bad like that again  
DAVE: please tell me ok?  
ROSE: ...Of course. Thank you, Dave.  
DAVE: yeah like this isnt a one way street you can like totally barge into my house and tell me if you need shit  
DAVE: anything you need  
DAVE: im here ok?  
ROSE: Thanks. I appreciate the thought.  
ROSE: Anyway, what symptoms do you think line up with OSDD?  
DAVE: oh. well  
DAVE: ive got these dudes  
ROSE: Ah, yes, your dudes.  
DAVE: yeah my dudes  
DAVE: theyre always running their mouths  
DAVE: talking about worst case scenarios  
DAVE: telling me im pathetic  
DAVE: or being pathetic themselves  
DAVE: theres one thats like non fucking stop planning stable time loops and shit  
DAVE: i havent had to think too extensively about that for literally years but its constant  
ROSE: Mm. How long has this been going on?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: the whole thing is personality parts split off because of shit when youre like  
DAVE: nine or less  
DAVE: so technically i guess itd have to be since then  
DAVE: but its hard to think about that  
ROSE: I imagine you have ample reason to avoid thinking about life before the session, yes.  
DAVE: no not like that  
DAVE: well yeah i guess kind of  
DAVE: i mean i literally dont remember most of it  
DAVE: and the shit i do remember its like  
DAVE: that wasnt me  
DAVE: you know

Rose was quiet for a moment, biting her lip as she thought. Dave’s chest grew tight within the brief seconds of silence.

DAVE: well okay i mean ive got my whole ass out here  
DAVE: i know that shit doesnt make sense  
DAVE: of course it was me  
DAVE: i fucking know im coming off as some goddamn lunatic  
DAVE: barging in here while youre practically on deaths fucking door telling you all about all the people in my head and how im not me  
DAVE: i just  
DAVE: fuck  
ROSE: First off, I’m not on death’s door. I’ll be okay.  
ROSE: Second, I understand where you’re coming from. I just needed a minute to think about what I was going to say.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: sorry  
DAVE: god im being a dick arent i  
ROSE: Well, a little bit. But I understand.  
ROSE: I can see how, given your circumstances, you would come to disassociate yourself from who you used to be on Earth.  
DAVE: i thought it was dissociate  
ROSE: I think “disassociate” is an appropriate word in this case.  
ROSE: You obviously would know more than I do, so feel free to call my shit here, but have you considered maybe you’re a different personality part from what was considered the “main” part when you were on Earth?  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: fuck maybe  
DAVE: i dont know  
ROSE: I could be wrong, but given what little I understand of DID, it makes sense to me that because the requirements of surviving life on Earth were wildly different, you had to develop new personality parts equipped to help you handle the harsh realities of Sburb.  
ROSE: And obviously, the part that mainly handled day-to-day life with your brother would have to take a back seat for that.  
ROSE: Even if not for all of that, I think most of us feel at least somewhat removed from who we used to be pre-session.  
ROSE: Thinking back, I can hardly relate to who I was as a child at all.  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: yeah i mean i guess that makes sense  
DAVE: i think its kinda different though from what you were saying about relating  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: maybe i cant RELATE to who i was back then  
DAVE: and thats a damn good thing too i was a little shithead  
ROSE: I recall.  
DAVE: but its more than that  
DAVE: my memories  
DAVE: they are literally not my memories  
DAVE: or at least it feels that way  
DAVE: all that shit happened to someone else  
DAVE: i just happen to know about it  
DAVE: and despite all that every fucking time i so much as think about dirk i

Dave froze, biting his tongue before he could finish that thought.

ROSE: It’s okay, Dave. You can talk about it.  
DAVE: can i though  
DAVE: i mean i know you guys are tight  
DAVE: and i know hes not the bro i knew  
ROSE: Maybe not literally. But you have every reason to be afraid.  
DAVE: wow thanks  
ROSE: That came out wrong.  
DAVE: no shit  
ROSE: It makes sense that you have a kneejerk reaction. That’s not easy to dispel. I had trouble with Roxy sometimes, before he transitioned.  
ROSE: He’s sort of removed from the projection I put on him of my mother now, and even if he wasn’t, I’m not sure my lingering issues with her neglectful tendencies are comparable to the issues you had with your brother.  
DAVE: do you think its weird to use she/her for your mom if roxy isnt a woman  
DAVE: im just spitballing here but wouldnt it stand to reason that potentially all versions of roxy were like  
DAVE: closeted/unrealized trans men  
ROSE: I’d perhaps reserve that conversation to be had with Roxy.  
ROSE: Particularly because it sounds like you’re evading the subject.  
DAVE: ok yeah  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i guess you could say my bro is the whole reason im like this  
DAVE: but i dont know if thats unfair or inaccurate  
ROSE: Makes sense to me.  
DAVE: okay cool well anyway hes the whole reason im like this  
DAVE: and i look at dirk and that twelve year old part of me is like  
DAVE: oh shit here comes another ass kicking  
DAVE: hes still scavenging for food in the fucking closet  
DAVE: keep looking junior all you get is clothes  
DAVE: and years of repressed gay thoughts for your friends  
ROSE: Naturally.  
DAVE: open up a box and its like schrodingers fucking trauma  
DAVE: whatre you gonna get this time  
DAVE: gay thoughts or a can of cold ass beans  
ROSE: At this point, I feel like you’re only getting the principle behind Schrödinger’s cat wrong to bother me.  
DAVE: and the whole thing with osdd and how it develops is like  
DAVE: not having an adequate support system at the appropriate age to teach you how to process something shitty you went through  
DAVE: all i knew at that age was my bro and he was the one kicking my ass  
DAVE: filming me without me knowing for his fucked up videos  
DAVE: hiding dangerous shit around the house  
DAVE: exposing me to overly fetishistic shit before i was even close to an okay age for it  
DAVE: like i was 13 years old and it was like a whole thing that i was keeping up with his smuppets site and even if i wasnt its not like i could avoid seeing it anyway cuz that shit was all over the fucking apartment  
DAVE: i mean fuck rose it wasnt just the weird saw videos or whatever i was IN some of those smuppet videos  
DAVE: like most of the audience for that was literally just bots but like  
DAVE: still  
DAVE: those were the videos that people like  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: that was  
DAVE: i was  
DAVE: fuck  
ROSE: ...I’m sorry, Dave.  
DAVE: and he never ever just sat down and had a real fucking conversation with me  
DAVE: you guys were kind of the first people i ever had genuine interactions with  
DAVE: but by that point it was too late for me and my various dudes i think  
DAVE: i was just already like that  
ROSE: That must be hard to reflect on.  
DAVE: yeah  
ROSE: What do you expect to happen now?  
ROSE: Regarding your dudes.  
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: maybe ill pave the way for every other traumatized sburb player on this goddamn rock and finally get my ass into therapy  
DAVE: its hard to go to therapy as a god though  
DAVE: kinda fucks with your image  
ROSE: Yeah, I imagine so.  
ROSE: I’m sure your therapist would understand though. They all could do with a healthy dose of reality that we’re still just people.  
DAVE: yeah sure  
DAVE: thanks though  
DAVE: for listening and being cool about it  
ROSE: Of course. I’m glad you came to me.  
DAVE: even though i broke into your house  
ROSE: Maybe especially so.  
DAVE: cool

Dave and Rose diverted their attention to the stairs as they began to creak, watching Kanaya descend with a small orange bottle in her hand.

KANAYA: I Hate To Interrupt But Its Time For Roses Medication  
ROSE: Thanks, Kanaya.  
DAVE: yeah i mean if im in yalls hair i can head out  
KANAYA: No I Dont Mind  
KANAYA: Sorry I Was Rude Earlier  
KANAYA: I Just Dont Handle Unexpected Visits Well  
KANAYA: I Prefer To Have Some Time To Prepare Emotionally  
DAVE: no yeah sorry ill chill on it  
DAVE: no surprises here  
DAVE: slap a home arrest ankle bracelet on me but it works in reverse  
DAVE: soon as i step within a hundred feet of your property all the alarms start going off  
DAVE: fuck whats that guy doing here  
DAVE: whats he got  
DAVE: a casserole  
DAVE: was that authorized  
DAVE: who fucking authorized it

Kanaya moved straight through to the kitchen as Dave babbled, filling a glass with water before sitting on the arm of the couch by Rose’s head, handing her two large pills and the water. Rose accepted both and swallowed the pills with some trouble, passing the glass back to Kanaya.

KANAYA: Well Thats All Fine Thank You  
KANAYA: I Appreciate You Must Have Your Reasons Though  
DAVE: yeah i guess  
DAVE: anyway hows it going here  
DAVE: i thought the docs said you were all good rose  
ROSE: Yeah, they SAID that, but here I am. It’s just getting worse.  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: man that sucks  
DAVE: we get to our little pocket of heaven and youre just stuck here with professor x prophecy migraine overload disease  
ROSE: I’m just going to pretend what you said makes sense.  
DAVE: thanks  
ROSE: Apologies for bringing him up, but Dirk says he thinks he’s close to an answer.  
DAVE: man dont apologize for bringing him up i think that just makes my complex worse  
ROSE: Alright. But I’m tentatively holding out hope for whatever he thinks may help.  
DAVE: cool i hope that works out  
DAVE: like really  
DAVE: im like afraid my voice isnt sounding sincere enough but i really really hope for the best for you  
ROSE: Thanks, Dave. Me too.  
ROSE: Good luck to you on your thing, too.  
DAVE: thanks rose  
DAVE: hows it going for you kanaya  
KANAYA: Im Fine Thank You

Dave watched Kanaya, waiting for a follow-up, but she said nothing else. She could be expressive when she wanted to, but at that moment, she was difficult for him to read. Something about the inscrutable air about her made some part of Dave want to press her. _Obviously you’re not good Kanaya, your wife is dying._ No, no, he couldn’t say that. If she didn’t want to get into it, especially in front of Rose, he couldn’t blame her.

DAVE: oh well thats good to hear  
DAVE: glad youre good  
KANAYA: Yes Im Good  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: genuinely though i think im gonna head out  
DAVE: might just ride this train of being open and honest with my issues and talk to karkat too  
DAVE: before they sew my chest back up  
DAVE: restrict access to my problems disease all over again  
ROSE: Alright. I’m sure he’ll understand.  
DAVE: probably  
DAVE: he can still get a little up his own ass about human shit but im sure hell get it eventually  
DAVE: speaking of which  
DAVE: hey kanaya  
KANAYA: What  
DAVE: by the way just an update on my life  
DAVE: ive got some dudes  
KANAYA: Okay  
DAVE: cool cool i knew youd get it  
DAVE: anyways see yall  
DAVE: feel better rose  
ROSE: Thanks, Dave.  
KANAYA: Bye Dave

Dave stood from the couch and took his leave, heading back for his home with Karkat.


	2. Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my characterization of karkat felt super off while i was writing this so sorry to those who actually know how to write karkat but i'm different. i love him but what the fuck
> 
> also like i don't know how much i got actually accurate here regarding the differences btwn did/osdd don't roast me here, this is a dangerous combination of how i interpreted it a year ago and also how i thought dave would end up viewing it. if u don't know very much on either i highly suggest u take all this with a grain of salt. again i feel very differently about it all now lol

The familiar sounds of a particularly hated TV show filled the living room as Dave returned, followed by a gentle grunt of acknowledgment from Karkat. Dave headed in and flopped down on the couch, stretching to take up as much space as possible and rest his legs in Karkat’s lap in a similar fashion to his conversation with Rose. Karkat brushed his legs off once, then resigned himself to his fate as usual the second time.

DAVE: hey  
KARKAT: HEY.  
KARKAT: HOW’S ROSE?  
DAVE: not great  
DAVE: she was on deaths fucking door when i got there  
KARKAT: SHIT, REALLY?  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: actually given the circumstances i shouldnt say that  
DAVE: she says shell be okay  
DAVE: dirks helping her or whatever  
DAVE: but i mean she didnt look good  
KARKAT: YEAH. KANAYA’S BEEN REALLY WORRIED.  
KARKAT: SHE DOESN’T REALLY TRUST DIRK, EITHER.  
DAVE: damn join the fucking club  
DAVE: i shouldnt say that either actually  
DAVE: but just for the hell of it why does she say that  
KARKAT: SHE SAYS SHE’S NOT SURE.  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST A FEELING SHE GETS. SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY HE TALKS TO HER? I DON’T KNOW.  
KARKAT: SHE DOESN’T TALK ABOUT IT MUCH. IT’S KIND OF WEIRD.  
DAVE: yeah i dont think her wife slowly dying and the only apparent cure being in the hands of her weird fucking ectodad who talks like a legendary piece of shit is doing her any favors  
KARKAT: NO SHIT, FUCKING SMARTASS.  
KARKAT: I JUST MEAN IT’S WEIRD THAT SHE ISN’T TALKING TO ME. WE USED TO TALK ABOUT SHIT THAT WAS BOTHERING US A LOT MORE, BUT NOW IT’S LIKE NEAR RADIO FUCKING SILENCE.  
DAVE: im sure shes processing  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: maybe she got used to confiding that shit with rose  
DAVE: and now she feels weird approaching you  
DAVE: i dunno im just spitballing here  
KARKAT: YEAH. I GUESS ALL THAT WAS KIND OF A LONG TIME AGO.  
KARKAT: OR MAYBE NOT AND I JUST DON’T HAVE A FIRM GRIP ON THE PASSAGE OF TIME?  
DAVE: well no shit thats my thing  
KARKAT: HA FUCKING HA. THAT NEVER GETS OLD, DAVE, REALLY. I LOVE REMEMBERING THE GRUESOME DETAILS OF SGRUB AT RANDOM POINTS IN MY DAY. REAL FUNNY.  
KARKAT: BUT NO, SERIOUSLY, I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING FUCKING CRAZY WITH TRYING TO PLACE HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE I EVEN LAST FUCKING ATE.  
KARKAT: IT FEELS LIKE ROSE HAS BEEN SICK FOR THE ENTIRETY OF RECORDED HISTORY.  
DAVE: fucked up  
DAVE: actually thats a fun little thing called  
DAVE: dissociation  
KARKAT: YOU MEAN THAT THING YOU’VE BEEN ALL CAGEY ABOUT READING ON?  
DAVE: stfu  
DAVE: i dont know shit about how it is with trolls i mean i kinda read a little bit on troll psychology out of curiosity  
DAVE: i think things have ended up overlapping in pretty interesting ways but i think the way you grew up might fuck with your perception of how earth c trolls view mental health  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT. I THINK THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE SPOT ON THAN SOME OF THE OTHERS WOULD GIVE THEM CREDIT FOR.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, ANY SIGN OF WEAKNESS, BE IT PHYSICAL OR MENTAL, WOULD GET YOU CULLED ON ALTERNIA.  
KARKAT: WE WEREN’T “ALLOWED” TO HAVE PROBLEMS.  
KARKAT: DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP IT WAS WHEN WE FOUND OUT THEY DON’T EVEN SLEEP IN RECUPERACOONS?  
DAVE: yeah i remember  
DAVE: you were like fuck wheres the slime  
DAVE: wheres the fucking slime  
DAVE: like youre a stagehand at the nickelodeon kids choice awards  
DAVE: or an avid fan of a stim blogger that hasnt posted in a while  
KARKAT: YEAH, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.  
DAVE: whats the deal with slime again  
KARKAT: THERE ARE AT LEAST SEVERAL “DEALS” WITH SLIME, DEPENDING ON WHAT MISERABLE POINT OF MY FUCKING EXISTENCE YOU DECIDE TO PUT YOUR SHITTY DETECTIVE MAGNIFYING GLASS OVER.  
KARKAT: THE MOST RELEVANT, THOUGH, IS WE USED TO SLEEP IN IT BECAUSE OTHERWISE WE’D HAVE HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES AND INSOMNIA.  
DAVE: well shit i mean dont we all  
KARKAT: EXACTLY! SO WE GET HERE AND WE REALIZE, HOLY SHIT, TROLLS AREN’T JUST HATCHED LIKE THIS?  
KARKAT: WE DON’T AUTOMATICALLY GET HORRIBLE NIGHTMARES AND HAVE A DEEP FUCKING BLOODLUST, JUST LIKE, NATURALLY?  
KARKAT: I MEAN, I GUESS WE KINDA GOT A LOOK AT THAT REALITY WHEN WE MET OUR PRE-SCRATCH ANCESTORS.  
KARKAT: BUT I THINK THAT WAS EASIER TO BRUSH OFF BECAUSE MOST OF THEM WERE INSUFFERABLE FUCKING PRICKS.  
DAVE: lol  
KARKAT: IT TURNS OUT, WE’RE ALL JUST FUCKED UP.  
KARKAT: I FEEL MORE LIKE AN ALIEN AROUND THEM THAN I DO AROUND YOU GUYS SOMETIMES.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i can understand that  
DAVE: its kinda weird with humans too but probably not in the same way  
DAVE: figured shit like poverty and all that were like  
DAVE: inherent to human nature  
DAVE: like were all just naturally inclined to wanna suck the monopoly mans dick  
DAVE: were all waiting for the day we get to have a shot at being a billionaire too but only like six people on the whole ass planet get a taste of that pie  
DAVE: so were just sitting in our shitty studio apartments that cost 2000 a month with three roommates we barely know fantasizing about the day we can buy our fourteenth lamborghini but thats never gonna happen  
DAVE: but the humans here seem to be good without all that  
DAVE: its just that billionaires were pretty shitty people and we all listened to them for some reason  
DAVE: or i guess more accurately *some* people listened while the rest of us kinda got the shit beaten out of us for even daring to think like  
DAVE: hey maybe things could be a little better  
DAVE: but what do i know about that i was like 13 not like i was a pure anarchist back then or anything i guess  
DAVE: anyways fucked up though right  
KARKAT: YEAH, A FAULTY ECONOMIC SYSTEM IS COMPARABLE TO ENCOURAGING CHILDREN TO BRUTALLY MURDER EACH OTHER ON ALTERNIA.  
DAVE: ok fair ill take the l on that but there genuinely is a lot more to it than you seem to think  
DAVE: and make no mistake i WILL tell you all about that later  
KARKAT: UGH.  
DAVE: but actually i really did want to talk to you about dissociation  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, SURE.  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: this shit where your brain cant handle shit  
DAVE: so you just check out  
DAVE: it happens differently for a lot of people but i see the way you act sometimes and im like  
DAVE: dudes a thousand miles away  
KARKAT: HMM.  
KARKAT: I DON’T REALLY KNOW IF I DO THAT THOUGH.  
DAVE: no see listen its like  
DAVE: i mean for me  
DAVE: i like  
DAVE: everything feels  
DAVE: distant  
DAVE: my brain starts operating at like half capacity or less  
DAVE: cant really process anything  
DAVE: sometimes my body feels kinda floaty and im like moving through molasses  
DAVE: i guess for some people theyre like  
DAVE: im not real  
DAVE: or the world around them isnt real  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: that ring any bells  
KARKAT: I MEAN, I DON’T KNOW.  
DAVE: remember when we met  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO.  
DAVE: cool remember when we met how you were always like  
DAVE: past me is a completely different person and i fucking hate him  
DAVE: but it was like  
DAVE: you three minutes ago  
KARKAT: UGH. YES.  
DAVE: i think that could have something to do with it  
DAVE: you just uhhh  
DAVE: whats the word  
DAVE: depersonalize  
KARKAT: OKAY, SO WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DIAGNOSE ME HERE? ARE YOU MY FUCKING THERAPIST NOW, DR. STRIDER? SHOULD I CASH IN MY PRESCRIPTION FOR THREE FULL LECTURES ON THE ECONOMY A DAY?  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i dont know yeah i guess thats for your own reflection  
DAVE: sorry i got sidetracked  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: i was hoping if you got dissociation on a personal level youd  
DAVE: be less weird about what i wanna tell you  
KARKAT: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M GOING TO BE WEIRD ABOUT IT? I DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING PERSONALLY TO NOT BE WEIRD ABOUT IT.  
DAVE: i mean sometimes youre kinda like that  
DAVE: no offense  
DAVE: id just appreciate it if you were like  
DAVE: cool about this  
KARKAT: DUDE, IF IT’S IMPORTANT TO YOU, OBVIOUSLY I’M GOING TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND.  
KARKAT: THIS MAY SOUND WILD, BUT I ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU.  
DAVE: wow really holy shit  
KARKAT: I KNOW.  
KARKAT: JUST TELL ME AND IF I DON’T GET IT, I’LL SHUT UP AND DO MY BEST.  
DAVE: okay well  
DAVE: i mean i was gonna preface this with all this shit about how im not a doctor so i dont actually know for sure  
DAVE: but when i was talking about it to rose just now she said it sounds like im pretty damn certain  
DAVE: and i think thats true  
DAVE: ive been reading about it for like three months so i mean my thoughts are pretty fucking informed  
DAVE: well anyway  
DAVE: have you ever heard about dissociative identity disorder  
DAVE: or multiple personality disorder  
DAVE: same thing they just changed the name to did  
KARKAT: YEAH, THAT THING WHERE LIKE  
KARKAT: A HUMAN HAS  
KARKAT: UHH  
KARKAT: MULTIPLE  
KARKAT: PERSONALITIES?  
DAVE: wow karkat youre fucking spot on howd you get to be such a goddamn expert  
KARKAT: LUCKY GUESS.  
DAVE: but no i mean  
DAVE: thats one way to put it  
DAVE: did is where someone experiences trauma at a really young age  
DAVE: and they dont learn how to process that trauma and deal with it  
DAVE: so they push it off and it becomes a different personality part  
DAVE: who usually like  
DAVE: contains those memories and has a personality fit for holding it  
DAVE: and that just continues to happen for more trauma or more reflection of trauma or whatever  
DAVE: sometimes they dont even have any specific memories but they have a purpose  
DAVE: like some parts are the responsible ones who gets themself showered and fed and shit  
DAVE: and some parts jobs are to be able to tell people off or defend themself  
DAVE: really the skys the limit you can have one other part or several or many  
DAVE: with did specifically sometimes they rotate out a bit depending on things  
DAVE: and when the personalities switch like that there’s total amnesia  
DAVE: if they switched in the middle of a party its possible theyd have no idea where they were  
DAVE: etc etc  
DAVE: but that’s just kind of the more well known example of shit like this  
DAVE: theres another thing that can cause personality parts to crop up like that  
DAVE: called osdd  
KARKAT: THAT’S A LOT OF LETTERS.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: well anyway  
DAVE: osdd is like did lite sometimes i guess  
DAVE: it depends and theres different types but for m  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: the one i wanted to talk about  
DAVE: its a type thats a lot like did what with all the different dudes and how it starts and shit  
DAVE: but in some cases no amnesia or whatever  
DAVE: or sometimes there is amnesia but other times there isnt  
DAVE: depending on the circumstances i guess  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SAYING YOU HAVE OSDD?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i think so  
KARKAT: HUH.  
DAVE: sooo  
DAVE: what do you think  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, I KNOW THAT I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT, AND THIS IS OBVIOUSLY IMPORTANT TO YOU, AND...  
KARKAT: UHHH...  
KARKAT: FUCK, I DON’T KNOW. I WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE, BUT I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT I’M DOING HERE.  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THIS TO REALLY BE...  
KARKAT: COMFORTING?  
KARKAT: SHOULD I SAY LIKE, I’M SORRY YOU’RE FUCKED UP?  
DAVE: no no  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: i guess its fine  
DAVE: i had a full blown freakout about it at first  
DAVE: remember at lunch with roxy calliope and june i just  
DAVE: flipped out about the forks  
KARKAT: OH GOD, YEAH.  
DAVE: kind of a classic case of diverting my shitty feelings to something easier to talk about  
DAVE: but i think im kind of calming down about it  
DAVE: i dont even really feel like i know anyone in there just yet  
DAVE: any of my dudes  
DAVE: or actually thats not true i know one or two  
DAVE: otherwise its all indistinct  
DAVE: but i read that things will get more clear if i just chill out and listen  
DAVE: you know  
KARKAT: YEAH. THAT MAKES SENSE.  
KARKAT: WOULD THAT UH  
KARKAT: CHANGE ANYTHING? ABOUT US?  
DAVE: i dont know  
DAVE: would it  
KARKAT: I MEAN. IT DOESN’T INHERENTLY CHANGE ANYTHING FOR ME.  
KARKAT: I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU.  
KARKAT: DUDES AND ALL.  
DAVE: heh  
KARKAT: I WAS JUST WONDERING IF, LIKE. IF THEY ROTATE OUT, AND YOU BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON KIND OF, HOW MUCH DO YOU REMEMBER? OR, HE, FUCK.  
DAVE: or they  
DAVE: or she  
DAVE: who fucking knows theres all kinds of wild ways parts can develop  
KARKAT: SHIT.  
DAVE: no its cool  
KARKAT: BUT LIKE, IF SOMEONE ELSE COMES OUT,  
KARKAT: OH CHRIST THIS IS PROBABLY A STUPID QUESTION.  
DAVE: no shoot  
KARKAT: WELL, *WE’RE* DATING. YOU AND ME, US TALKING, RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: fuck yeah  
KARKAT: IF A DIFFERENT PERSONALITY PART IS OUT,  
KARKAT: ARE WE STILL  
KARKAT: UHH  
DAVE: i mean i dont know anything about that just yet  
DAVE: i dont feel like ive ever had someone else hop out in the past who didnt know or love you  
DAVE: i dont really expect that to change  
DAVE: and i dont think its necessarily helpful to divide it up like that its all still ME  
DAVE: its just that i operate kinda different  
DAVE: i guess the only thing is i know i have at least one part thats like  
DAVE: twelve or something  
DAVE: i talked about him a bit with rose  
DAVE: he doesnt usually come out or anything but who knows  
DAVE: in cases like that itd definitely change something just a little bit like  
DAVE: maybe id ask you to treat him a little differently because  
DAVE: i mean god i dont know how much im prepared to talk about age regression shit right now but  
DAVE: we can work on it as we go  
DAVE: right?  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: UHHH, JUST. LET ME KNOW. OKAY?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: ...  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, I FEEL LIKE I’M FUCKING THIS UP. I PROMISED YOU I WOULDN’T BE WEIRD ABOUT IT AND EVERYTHING.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT I’M PUT OFF BY THIS OR DON’T BELIEVE YOU OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I JUST DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS, SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S LIKE, APPROPRIATE TO ASK OR SAY.  
KARKAT: BUT I WANT TO KNOW.  
KARKAT: SO, UH,  
KARKAT: YOU SAID YOU DID A LOT OF RESEARCH ON OSDD?  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah i did  
DAVE: you want me to send some shit to you  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: i dunno man its not like its actually any fun to read about  
DAVE: are you ready to get yourself bulge deep in boring ass hundred page studies  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT, THE POINT IS I WANT TO UNDERSTAND MORE ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND.  
KARKAT: OR  
KARKAT: BOYFRIENDS? PARTNERS?  
DAVE: you dont gotta do that  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
DAVE: dont worry about it man i didnt expect you to be an expert  
KARKAT: I’M BEING WEIRD THOUGH!  
DAVE: sorry i didnt mean to make you get up in your own head about that  
DAVE: i just meant like  
DAVE: when you act like its foreign to you and therefore pointless or you dont wanna understand  
DAVE: but youre doing good  
KARKAT: ...OKAY. WELL ANYWAY, DON’T UNDERESTIMATE MY ABILITY TO GET BULGE DEEP IN ABSOLUTE FUCKING DRUDGERY.  
DAVE: haha okay  
DAVE: ill send you some shit  
DAVE: but if you wanna go through it together and ill just give you the long and the short of it thats cool too  
KARKAT: WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.  
DAVE: maybe if we go through it together i can tell you a little bit more about like  
DAVE: how it works for me i guess  
DAVE: so yeah lets do that sometime  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT. THAT SOUNDS GOOD.  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU DAVE.  
DAVE: lol  
DAVE: i love you too you fucking weirdo  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU. I TAKE IT BACK.  
DAVE: nah too late


	3. Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring: none of that dynamic jade had with karkat and dave in the epilogue....they're just chilling
> 
> also CW: more discussion of child abuse and poorly worded discussions of osdd lol

The smell of coffee and the cacophony of strangled gurgling noises of the coffee machine filled the air as Dave waited for a fresh pot to finish pouring. He rubbed his eyes under his glasses and yawned, hoping idly Karkat would wake soon so they could enjoy their coffee together and watch more of the show they’d most recently been marathoning. Maybe if he wasn’t up by the time the coffee was done, he’d go wake him himself, he thought.

JADE: daaaave!!!! karkaaaaat!!!!

Dave turned towards the front door with a start, watching as Jade awkwardly maneuvered herself inside with a large covered casserole dish. She leaned it against the wall beside the door and balanced it on her raised knee, freeing one of her hands to close the front door.

JADE: i brought some brownies!!!! :D  
DAVE: oh fuck sweet  
DAVE: thanks jade  
DAVE: are they home baked  
JADE: no dave i bought them at the store and took them out of the packaging to put them in this fancy dish :|  
DAVE: well yeah but  
DAVE: i didnt think you were all that into baking  
JADE: can i not try new hobbies every now and then????  
JADE: SHEEEEEEEESH  
DAVE: haha ok ok

Jade rolled her eyes as she deposited the brownies on the counter, then took a seat comfortably next to Dave.

JADE: nah youre right though i think i kind of hated it!  
JADE: i thought it would be fun because its kind of sciency, right? and i know its kind of a loaded subject in my family, but it doesnt have to be ALL bad!  
JADE: but i dont have much of a knack for it :/  
DAVE: yeah its kinda boring and intense simultaneously  
JADE: lol yeah :p  
JADE: wheres karkat? :o  
DAVE: hes still sleeping  
JADE: :/ its one in the afternoon!  
DAVE: we were up late catching up on some shows  
DAVE: i was just thinking about waking him up actually  
JADE: you should!  
JADE: i wanna say hi!!  
DAVE: lol ok  
DAVE: but uhh  
DAVE: actually idk maybe this is a good opportunity  
JADE: :o ?  
DAVE: i wanted to tell you something  
DAVE: and i mean its not a secret from karkat ive told him and rose and kanaya by association cuz you just dont tell ONE of them something  
DAVE: so theyre free game to mention this to but  
DAVE: it just feels appropriate that i mention it one on one  
JADE: okay!  
DAVE: so you know about uhh  
DAVE: dissociative identity disorder  
JADE: i do!!  
DAVE: how much  
JADE: wellllll  
JADE: its like, when something bad happens to a kid, and they grow up and they have different like, personalities? >_>;  
DAVE: damn youre more schooled than rose was on it  
JADE: hehe!  
DAVE: cool well  
DAVE: theres another thing thats like it  
DAVE: criteria for diagnosis is a little less strict but the principle can be pretty much the same depending on the type  
DAVE: called osdd  
JADE: oh?  
DAVE: short story is  
DAVE: my bro fucked me up as a kid  
DAVE: now ive got dudes  
DAVE: but not as intensely as someone with did might  
JADE: oh!  
JADE: hmmmmmmmm  
DAVE: fuck okay listen  
DAVE: its not your fault but  
DAVE: please dont hmmm at me for the duration of this conversation  
DAVE: its vague and it makes me freak a little bit  
JADE: sorry!! i wont then  
JADE: but im glad you felt comfortable telling me this dave!  
JADE: whats it like, having all that going on?  
JADE: if you dont mind me asking!  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: i think its weirder acknowledging it than having it just going on in some corner of your brain you choose not to look at  
DAVE: used to get shadows of it lurking around outside the corner but for the most part i was able to shove it all back in there  
DAVE: now its like  
DAVE: ive got a light on it  
DAVE: and im looking at all these dudes skittering around in there like raccoons or whatever  
DAVE: like fuck who let you all in here  
JADE: hehe!!  
DAVE: its alright though i guess  
DAVE: these past couple months have been a little rough  
DAVE: the name of the game is to kinda get a sense for whos there and why  
DAVE: and that dredges up some hard shit  
DAVE: but im getting the hang of it  
DAVE: living with a perpetual peanut gallery  
DAVE: sometimes im dave  
DAVE: sometimes im a different dave  
DAVE: sometimes im only tangentially dave  
DAVE: fuck it sometimes im davesprite who gives a shit  
JADE: :o !  
JADE: so you just hear from your other parts all the time?  
DAVE: not all the time  
DAVE: well its getting more frequent now that im actually listening  
DAVE: i also realized some of the like  
DAVE: intrusive self deprecating thoughts i had constantly werent technically mine  
DAVE: theyre from a specific persecutor part  
JADE: oh :((( that sounds horrible!!!  
JADE: is there a way to make that one go away???  
DAVE: nah not super easy but its okay  
DAVE: i mean it can really suck balls sometimes but i have to recognize hes there for a reason yknow  
DAVE: hes just trying to protect me the only way he knows how  
DAVE: you cant really treat parts the same way you do other people  
DAVE: if someone rolled up and called me a worthless piece of shit id be like  
DAVE: cool well that guys a dick good to know  
DAVE: i can just be done with them  
DAVE: but parts need all sorts of coddling and love and affection and shit  
DAVE: kind of a weird adjustment having to be so  
DAVE: idk  
DAVE: genuine with myself?  
DAVE: i have to like really stop and be NICE to myself in ways im not used to  
DAVE: which sounds really wild when i say it out loud i know its a total baseline self care thing to be nice to yourself but its kinda different  
DAVE: like talking to yourself but with lots of emotional layers and expectations  
JADE: huh.....  
JADE: so how do you know when youre someone else?  
JADE: obviously if you dont want to answer thats okay, i do not want to put you on the spot!  
DAVE: nah thats fine im good with telling you shit  
DAVE: but ill let you know if you go way outta line no hard feelings  
JADE: phew okay!  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: i mean its kinda hard to tell if you dont know how to look for it  
DAVE: at least for me im sure for some people its different  
DAVE: but when you know what to look for its like  
DAVE: i dont know it kinda just snaps into place after a point yknow  
DAVE: like one of those magic eye pics  
DAVE: one minute its static and the next you just KNOW youre a totally different dude  
DAVE: at first i thought there was only ever one dude at the front at all times  
DAVE: but it turns out that was a fucking lie  
DAVE: theres like two or three that usually rotate out including myself  
JADE: ohhh!  
JADE: how many do you have in general?  
DAVE: i think  
DAVE: maybe five or six  
DAVE: im not sure  
DAVE: still feeling things out  
DAVE: and i mean even then its still subject to change  
JADE: hm!  
JADE: oh wait sorry :p  
DAVE: hm  
JADE: hmmmmm  
DAVE: hmmmmmmm  
JADE: HMMMMMMMMMM!!!!  
DAVE: okay thats enough of that  
JADE: hehe yeah  
JADE: what i mean is  
JADE: i just think thats interesting!  
JADE: and cool!!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: how so  
JADE: oh god i mean...  
JADE: i think its cool that youve been figuring this out!  
JADE: and that ummm  
JADE: oh i do not want to sound like one of those really unsympathetic people who just think other peoples problems are “SO FASCINATING”  
JADE: but...ummmmm.....  
JADE: oh no that is exactly what im sounding like isnt it :(  
DAVE: well shit  
DAVE: i mean i dont know  
DAVE: youre good actually its fine  
DAVE: sorry nobodys reacted like this  
DAVE: i expected that from rose to an extent actually but  
DAVE: huh  
JADE: oh noooo i do not want to be weird about it!  
JADE: its just  
JADE: ohhh how do i say this....  
JADE: okay how about i ask  
JADE: how did you like? realize you had parts?  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: uhhhh  
JADE: if you dont want to talk about that its okay!  
DAVE: no i think i do  
DAVE: i just didnt even tell karkat or rose this right off the bat but  
DAVE: i switched in front of dirk  
JADE: oh??  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: theres this part ive got  
DAVE: the first part i ever recognized as like  
DAVE: being there  
DAVE: i dont know it hadnt ever happened before like this  
DAVE: i can look back and see thought processes that popped up into my head or gut reactions whenever i saw dirk before this but he never actually took the wheel until then  
DAVE: maybe there were just too many things at play  
DAVE: or maybe  
DAVE: he was sick of being ignored  
JADE: :(((((  
DAVE: he flipped the fuck out and scampered off  
DAVE: hid somewhere for a while just waiting for bro to come beat the shit out of him  
DAVE: weird thing is i never even reacted like that back then  
DAVE: with bro  
DAVE: i always went right up those stairs without question  
DAVE: and it felt so  
DAVE: i dunno  
DAVE: it was so distinctly not me  
DAVE: i barely even remember it but i get this feeling when i think about it  
DAVE: i could almost doubt it happened at all if it werent for that feeling  
JADE: wow im so sorry dave :(((  
JADE: i thought you were doing so well with him!  
DAVE: yeah me too  
DAVE: it was easier to make progress when i didnt really process half of what went down with him  
DAVE: or like  
DAVE: told myself what happened with him didnt happen to ME  
DAVE: it was just some indistinct shit that i was suffering from but it wasnt MY suffering  
DAVE: but i mean apparently i should try to own up those memories more if theyre being made known to me by my 12 year old part  
DAVE: you know  
JADE: wow...that must be intense :(  
DAVE: yeah kinda  
DAVE: so yeah i headed home and started doing some research  
DAVE: took me a couple months of hemming and hawing before i finally talked to rose about it and felt solid in calling it osdd  
DAVE: now im going to therapy  
JADE: !!!!  
JADE: wow dave thats really good!!  
DAVE: yeah i guess so  
JADE: so ummmm  
JADE: oh i dont want to ask this and sound like im being weird again  
DAVE: man just go for it  
JADE: okayyyy......  
JADE: what do you think about  
JADE: when you went godtier?  
DAVE: huh?  
JADE: i mean like  
JADE: you technically merged with a sorta different version of yourself right??  
DAVE: yeah sorta i guess  
JADE: do you feel like  
JADE: he was  
JADE: LITERALLY there in your head?  
JADE: if that makes sense!!  
DAVE: uhhh  
DAVE: fuck i dont know  
DAVE: are you asking for a reason or what  
JADE: @___@ ohhhh  
JADE: im just like  
JADE: this is sounding really close to how i am sometimes!  
JADE: but now that i say it out loud im thinking that its probably not related  
JADE: i guess jadesprite was a pretty different person after i prototyped her  
JADE: so merging with her would surely have had more of an effect than when you merged with your dreamself  
JADE: gahhhh im sorry this was probably weird to bring up!!!!  
DAVE: no no its cool  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: have you talked about this to anyone else before  
JADE: no!!!!  
JADE: i just assumed it was normal!!!!!!  
JADE: but now that i think about it maybe this has been going on longer than going godtier?  
JADE: when i created her she was just  
JADE: sooooo sad :(  
JADE: and so different than me already!  
JADE: and i dont know what came over me  
JADE: i just  
JADE: got so ANGRY  
JADE: that happens sometimes....something happens and i react like  
JADE: so wildly different from what i think of myself to be  
JADE: it gets soooo overwhelming and i feel like im just  
JADE: oh i dont know maybe thats something else sorry :(  
DAVE: nah its cool i dont mind jamming about it regardless  
DAVE: gotta take some self reflection where you can get it right  
JADE: yeah.....  
DAVE: so like jadesprites just in there now  
JADE: yeah???  
JADE: i think so????  
JADE: but i dont know that she is LITERALLY jadesprite  
JADE: nobody else has ever talked about feeling like their dreamself is just  
JADE: in there  
JADE: still existing separately from themself  
JADE: but everything got all muddled when i went godtier  
JADE: i was able to push most of it away but i still got so sad and so scared about things that happened so long ago  
JADE: and i still do  
JADE: and i think i get that self deprecating voice a lot too  
JADE: its like a lot of voices telling me i should be scared or ashamed all of the time :(((  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: sounds intense  
DAVE: is there anything that usually like  
DAVE: gets jadesprite riled up in particular  
JADE: ummmm........  
JADE: maybe?  
JADE: it feels so random sometimes but maybe if i tried hard enough i could make connections  
DAVE: well thats fine if its random too  
DAVE: maybe there arent connections  
DAVE: or maybe youre not ready for the connections  
JADE: well i mean  
JADE: sometimes its the prospitians which makes sense to me  
DAVE: yeah that tracks  
DAVE: she like missed prospit and the dreambubbles and shit right  
JADE: yeah :(  
DAVE: well how about those other things you mentioned  
DAVE: the anger and the voices and shit  
JADE: ummmmmmm  
JADE: i dont know!  
JADE: i havent really thought too hard about it before, especially not like that!  
DAVE: true true  
DAVE: how about i give you some shit to read  
DAVE: it took a while to really think it over for me so i dont expect youd be able to have it all figured out right now  
DAVE: give it time  
DAVE: and if you dont think you have it then cool you still got a better understanding of yourself right  
DAVE: theres also ifs therapy  
JADE: :o ?  
DAVE: integrated family systems or something  
DAVE: its like  
DAVE: sort of assigning things to general intrusive thoughts that may or may not genuinely be parts from a disorder i think  
DAVE: might help idk  
DAVE: i didnt read much on that but if you go to therapy too maybe you could bring it up  
JADE: okay  
JADE: thank you dave!  
JADE: im sorry i turned it all around like that with my own problems :(  
DAVE: no thats fine  
DAVE: i dont wanna be like  
DAVE: im glad youre suffering  
DAVE: but im glad that you relate somewhat  
DAVE: makes it a little less lonely i guess  
JADE: yeah!!!!! :D  
DAVE: so you want some coffee looks like thats been done for a bit  
JADE: :///

Dave and Jade fell into a comfortable silence as Dave poured two mugs, setting one out for Jade with milk and sugar. The two prepped their coffee, their silence only broken by the gentle _clinks_ of their spoons before Karkat’s voice rang out from their now shared bedroom.

KARKAT: HEY DAVE  
KARKAT: DUDE CHECK  
DAVE: original flavor  
KARKAT: OK COOL  
DAVE: but wait jades here  
KARKAT: OH FUCK  
JADE: :o  
JADE: dude check???

Karkat entered the room as Jade asked this, looking sheepish as he shuffled to the kitchen. Dave grabbed a third mug to pass to Karkat.

KARKAT: IT’S  
KARKAT: UHHH  
KARKAT: AN INSIDE JOKE  
DAVE: no its fine i told her  
KARKAT: OH, OKAY.  
DAVE: its how we usually distinguish between parts here at home  
DAVE: so he knows what to expect and shit  
DAVE: cuz i mean sometimes some parts need certain topics and shit avoided but others dont  
DAVE: just makes things easier  
JADE: thats cool!

They settled into a new conversation, without the subject of parts or game-centric trauma as Karkat settled into awakeness. Jade joined their marathon of the show they were currently watching, having already watched the entirety of it before them; it was nice, getting some time with the two of them without feeling like he was hiding a significant part of himself. He had come to notice during his time adjusting to living with his system how much he’d felt deeply obligated to perform a certain social role he thought everyone expected from him—now that Jade was in the know, though, it didn’t feel quite so much like the end of the world if he ended up switching in front of her and acting outside her usual expectation of him. He allowed himself to relax significantly, enjoying his time with them with all facets of his identity.


	4. Roxy and Dirk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: some misgendering towards callie in this one from dirk, kinda how you expect from him in the epilogues

Dave had been avoiding Dirk. It wasn’t to an extreme that he’d run the opposite direction if he happened to see Dirk on the street, but any time anyone planned a get together and Dirk was involved, Dave would always decline with no hesitation. It was easier before, he lamented as he rubbed his eyes under his glasses, a series of texts coming in from Roxy inviting him to breakfast with him and some others—Dirk included. It wasn’t _healthy,_ no, and he knew well enough at this point that he’d reach another breaking point if he pushed it down far enough again. Now he was freely feeling all the dread and fear that was associated with his bro in his head, and that extended to Dirk without a second thought.

TG: hey dave sorry for the sups last minute warning lol but we were gonna go grab some bfast at that divey place near junes house if u wanna come along  
TG: i know u werent feeling great last night but i thought id still offer  
TG: you havent come outta u and karkats hidey hole in a long time im starting to worry :(  
TG: no pressure tho really if you just genuinely arent up for it  
TG: maybe just u and me could hang some other time instead if u want?  
TG: hey roxy thanks for the offer  
TG: sorry to make you worry  
TG: i know im kinda starting to hit june depression alert levels and all but im okay seriously  
TG: ok well if ur not up for it its totes cool  
TG: but u know u can talk to me if u need to right  
TG: u helped me out with shit when i was questioning my gender like twice over and i cant even begin to tell you how much i appreciate that  
TG: so i wanna be there for u too  
TG: im here if you need me

Dave let out a deep sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. Roxy didn’t deserve to have to herd every depressed god around like an unpaid therapist, he thought—first June, now him? He couldn’t be the one doing that to him. He steeled himself and typed out a new response.

TG: yeah i know roxy thanks  
TG: you know what yeah ill come  
TG: why not  
TG: its been a bit maybe i just need some fresh air  
TG: you know that thing where you feel like if you go outside for even a second youll just shrivel up and die but then you get out there and you suddenly feel like youre more alive than youve ever been  
TG: like a sponge thats all dried up and gross but then you put it in water and it just sucks that shit up goes right back to normal except the sponge is my brain and the water is the sun  
TG: maybe thats what i need  
TG: oh fuck yea thats some opposite action shit i luv to see it  
TG: were just gonna head on over and grab a table come on by whenever ur ready  
TG: im excited to see u again thisll be so great  
TG: yeah absolutely  
TG: see you there

Dave dragged himself up from the couch and shoved his phone in his pocket. He floated up the stairs to his bedroom—officially his own, but Karkat had pretty much moved in with him after their first couple months living together—and knocked on the door a couple times before entering. Karkat stirred as Dave walked in, poking his head out from under his thick comforter.

DAVE: hey man im gonna go grab breakfast with uhhh  
DAVE: roxy callie june and dirk  
DAVE: wanna come with  
KARKAT: OH SHIT. ARE YOU SURE?  
DAVE: well idk man you might scare them off but its worth a shot right  
KARKAT: FUCK OFF, YOU PRETENTIOUS DICKHOLE, YOU KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEAN. I MEAN ARE YOU SURE YOU’RE UP FOR...  
DAVE: yeah yeah i know  
DAVE: roxys starting to worry so i figure ill pop in  
DAVE: you dont have to come with if you dont wanna but yknow  
KARKAT: WOULD IT HELP IF I WAS THERE?  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah maybe  
KARKAT: ALRIGHT. LET ME GET DRESSED.  
DAVE: thanks man  
KARKAT: NO PROBLEM BRO.

The two of them got ready together in relative silence, working around each other with ease after so long of sharing a space. Once they were both ready, Dave took Karkat under his arms and flew them towards the human kingdom, an uneasy pit growing in his stomach as he thought about Dirk. He took a moment in their silence to reach internally, watching the city ease past underneath him as he tried to get in touch with the part most unsettled.

_Hey, you holding up okay?_

Dave got a surge of anxiety as a memory of the staircase to the roof of his old apartment resurfaced. He clutched Karkat’s arms tightly and let out a tense breath.

_Yeah, I know, that’s what it feels like. It’s gonna be alright._

Dave felt no less anxious, but something in his stomach unknotted just a bit as he pictured himself soothing his twelve year old self. It felt incredibly silly, but he couldn’t deny it helped. His therapist was gonna be really pleased to hear about this, he thought to himself as the diner came into view. He lowered himself and Karkat to the parking lot, setting his boyfriend down easy before settling on the concrete himself.

KARKAT: YOU GOOD?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: good as im gonna get at least  
DAVE: lets just go  
KARKAT: HEY, HOLD ON.

Karkat took Dave by the sleeve and reached up to remove his own sunglasses, then seemed to immediately regret it and put them back on. Dave appreciated the gesture, at least, but he wouldn’t want Karkat to aggravate his photosensitivity just for a genuine moment.

KARKAT: WE CAN BAIL WHENEVER YOU WANT. PIN THE BLAME ON ME IF YOU GOTTA. JUST GIVE ME A SIGNAL OR SOMETHING, AND I’LL COME UP WITH SOME EXCUSE, ALRIGHT?  
DAVE: thanks man but i think ill be alright  
KARKAT: JUST HUMOR ME, THEN. GIVE ME A SIGNAL TO LOOK FOR.  
DAVE: uhhh  
DAVE: how about if i squeeze your hand three times  
KARKAT: SURE.  
DAVE: okay cool lets go

Dave and Karkat entered the diner together, quickly spotting their group as Roxy waved enthusiastically at them. Dave tried to look as relaxed as possible as they made their way over and took their seats.

JUNE: wow, dave AND karkat?? it’s good to see you guys!  
KARKAT: YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW, YOU’RE ALL ABOUT TO GO OFF ABOUT HOW I NEVER FUCKING LEAVE MY HIVE OR WHATEVER, LET’S JUST GET IT OVER WITH.  
KARKAT: MAKE ME INTO A PUBLIC FUCKING SPECTACLE, GO AHEAD.  
JUNE: jeez man sorry!! i was just happy to see you!  
ROXY: AHEM  
ROXY: hey guys whats up  
DAVE: not much not much how was yalls hangout last night  
ROXY: it was cool we just watched some movies and lost track of time lol  
ROXY: next time yall should be there too  
JUNE: yeah, we watched one of those sweet bro and hella jeff movies your adult self made!

Dave’s stomach twisted as he cast a glance at Dirk. He looked just as inscrutable as ever, sipping at his glass of orange juice.

DAVE: oh yeah that shit ive watched a couple of them  
DAVE: complete fucking artistry if i do say so myself  
DAVE: which one did you watch  
DIRK: Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff: The Moive: The Squeqel 2.  
DAVE: oh sick is that the one where jeff leads that resistance squad himself after geromy was kidnapped  
DIRK: Yeah, that’s the one. Have to say, that scene where he tricked Sweet Bro and went on that suicide mission himself still hits pretty hard.  
CALLIOPE: yes, i thoUght that scene was particUlarly well staged! ^u^  
CALLIOPE: the visUal foreshadowing in the backgroUnd to the factory explosion was wonderfUl. not to mention the Use of the mUsic there, the way it Utilizes the same motif as before in the scene with sweet bro and hella jeff fighting together really tUgs at the heartstrings.  
DAVE: oh yeah totally  
DAVE: i mean story of my life am i right fellas  
DAVE: made me kinda wonder if that alt dave was kinda lowkey remembering shit or what  
DAVE: but its probably not that deep i mean that kinda shit happens all the time in movies like that so yknow

A slightly uncomfortable air settled over the group. Dave cleared his throat awkwardly and picked up the menu.

DAVE: soooo what was it i got here last again anyone remember  
DAVE: wasnt it that nasty ass omelet  
JUNE: dave, if you seriously get that nasty ass omelet again i’ll lose my mind.  
DAVE: well shit now i HAVE to get it  
DAVE: waiter gimme your finest nasty ass omelet one for here and one to go  
DAVE: ill break into your house and eat it in your room in the dead of night so you smell it in your sleep and dream about it  
JUNE: yeah, i’m sure you’ll have a great time eating a gross omelet alone in my room at 3am just to spite me. that’s not even a reasonable threat! it’s just sad, dude.  
DAVE: sure tell yourself that all you want but your brain isnt gonna rationalize the depressing thought of me eating a disgusting omelet alone in your room at 3am its just gonna register the smell of the disgusting omelet and youre gonna dream about eating that shit yourself probably  
DAVE: see whos laughing when you wake up  
JUNE: yeah, what ever.

Soon, the group put in their orders and waited for their food. They were able to get into a pretty good groove until Dirk ended up dominating the conversation to talk about the political structures in the My Little Pony universe, which Roxy riffed on him for plenty. Dave relaxed a little as the two mostly talked. It was so easy to impose his bro over Dirk whenever he spoke, but this was something so wildly silly, it was hard to picture his bro here. Maybe he _would_ have had a deep fascination with My Little Pony, sure, but Dave had never seen that personally, much less did he have a close childhood friend right there to take him down a few notches over it—Dave was never sure Bro actually had real friends. Was that what set Dirk apart from him? People around him willing to help keep him grounded?

DIRK: Roxy, if you had actually WATCHED the 80’s show, you would know better than to say that.  
ROXY: dude u keep acting like im really actually invested enough in colorful cartoon ponies to give u a real argument im JUST SAYING its a kids show and it was never meant to be read into like that  
ROXY: thats a broad generalized statement on most kids shows kids dont know jack shit about matriarchies or politics or w/e they just wanna see rainbow sparkle learn a valuable lesson about teamwork  
DIRK: You can get their names wrong to try and bother me all you want, but you know that’s not going to work. And no, kids don’t know those things, sure. But the writers and directors do, and kids are quicker to pick up on propaganda than you usually think. You ever hear about Paw Patrol?  
CALLIOPE: dirk yoU know i love to talk aboUt the intricacies of societal norms in media, bUt do yoU think maybe the strUctUre seen in friendship is magic wasn’t actUally as intentional a message as yoU think, given not all hUman adUlts had the hindsight yoU did?  
ROXY: calliiieee dont encourage him :(  
DIRK: No, she has an interesting point.  
ROXY: they  
JUNE: they.  
DAVE: they  
KARKAT: THEY.  
DIRK: Okay, okay, point taken, they. Sorry.  
CALLIOPE: it’s qUite alright u_u  
DAVE: is it though  
DAVE: cmon you dont gotta be gentle about that youve been using they for a pretty good while now  
DIRK: ...  
CALLIOPE: i don’t want to make a big fUss! mistakes happen. i know dirk isn’t Used to Using sUch Unfamiliar pronoUns...  
DAVE: yeah but roxy got it  
DAVE: roxys from the same time and place as dirk is  
DAVE: shit i mean i barely knew dick about gender growing up in early 2000’s texas and i get it  
DAVE: its no excuse dirks a smart dude he can learn

Calliope shrunk in their chair, averting their eyes as Dave stared at them. As he began to think maybe he should let up, he felt a familiar haze quickly forming in his head. Distantly, he wondered if he should give Karkat the signal now, but an alien anger began forming in his stomach. It was all the telltale signs of a switch—but he was in absolutely no position to stop it now.

DAVE: cmon you can do better right dirk  
DAVE: or do you just not want to do better  
DIRK: ...You’re right, Dave, I can do better. I’m sorry.  
DAVE: yeah man were all about self-improvement here and were all here to help arent we  
DAVE: callie next time he misgenders you you can absolutely lay into him its completely in your right  
CALLIOPE: u_u .....  
ROXY: yea it is in their right and yea dirk can absolutely do better  
ROXY: point very well made dave thank u for that  
DAVE: i mean seriously how long has it been  
DAVE: almost a whole year right  
CALLIOPE: well...yes....  
DAVE: youd think the dude who can really tear apart a childrens show about technicolor ponies with shockingly accurate political analysis would be smart enough to be capable of learning how to use a pronoun he actually regularly uses  
DAVE: i mean fuck its not even LEARNING how to do it its just applying shit he already does  
DAVE: youve literally asked hey whens the waiter gonna get here THEYRE taking forever  
DAVE: or who did the storyboards for this THEIR style is familiar  
DAVE: like come on dirk seriously you can build robots and you regularly go off about english grammar are you really gonna tell me its too hard to take a childhood friend of yours seriously  
DAVE: is it really too difficult to switch to they  
DAVE: obviously not i mean everyone else here at the fucking table gets it  
DAVE: so whats your fucking problem huh

Dave hardly even registered Karkat taking his hand, as if inviting him to give the signal, but he was beyond that, now. He stared hard at Dirk, whose expression had barely changed, but there was an almost imperceptible shift in his posture that Dave knew all too well. He was feeling defensive. That usually spelled trouble for Dave, historically—but he was in absolutely no mood to back down. Not this time.

DIRK: You’re right, Dave. You’re absolutely right. But don’t you think you’re making Calliope a little uncomfortable?  
DAVE: hmmmmm i wonder what else may have caused them to be uncomfortable  
DIRK: I know, I know. You’ve made your point. I fucked up. I’ve repeatedly fucked up, over and over again, because I’m just a massive fuckup, aren’t I? Are we going to go around the table and list off the other ways I’ve fucked up?  
ROXY: guys  
DAVE: oh yeah sure lets make this all about how fucking pathetic you must feel about being a fuckup  
DAVE: instead of taking constructive fucking criticism like a decent friend and trying to be better lets just go ahead and spin this right the fuck around to make YOU the victim here  
ROXY: guys cmon  
DIRK: No, no, make no mistake, I’m not trying to be the victim here. I’m being completely sincere when I say I’d love to hear how you really feel. It’d be nice to actually know where I’ve gone wrong for once instead of being left in the dark, constantly wondering why you’ve been deliberately avoiding me.  
ROXY: GUYS

Dave and Dirk stopped, turning their attention to Roxy. Everyone in the restaurant had, in fact; it was completely silent, all the other patrons and waiters simply waiting for their gods to speak.

ROXY: can you fucking not?  
ROXY: i just wanted to have a good breakfast with some of my good buds  
ROXY: you both have good points here  
ROXY: dirk you really need to step up and get callies pronouns right it shouldnt take this much for you to learn to do better  
ROXY: daves right youre one of the smartest dudes i know so it really makes me wonder why you havent actually applied those massive brains of yours to do something so simple  
ROXY: but dude dave  
ROXY: dirk kinda had a point this sounds like its about way more than callie and they dont need you making your issues about them  
CALLIOPE: u_u  
ROXY: so you two can either chill the fuck out and enjoy your goddamn breakfast or go settle this somewhere else because here and now is not the fucking time  
ROXY: ill be more than happy to try and help if you wanna put this off till later  
ROXY: but not now  
ROXY: i need to just have a chill time right now real bad please  
ROXY: i appreciate that this is probably something really important to you guys but i cant be the dude to mediate right this second

Dirk stood almost immediately.

DIRK: Alright. I see when I’m not wanted. I’ll see you guys later.

His tone was collected as he spoke, but he practically stormed out of the restaurant, leaving everyone in total silence. Dave’s insides twisted with anger as he fiddled harshly with his fork. Karkat squeezed his wrist tight, but Dave could hardly process anything right now through the almost unbearable rage boiled up inside him.

ROXY: dave...

Dave glanced up at Roxy. He looked exhausted and defeated, but reached across the table to put a hand on his.

ROXY: are u ok?

Dave’s stomach churned as he gritted his teeth.

DAVE: im fine

Dave stopped, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He took Karkat’s hand, squeezing it gently and doing his best to calm himself before looking back at Roxy.

DAVE: im sorry you dont need this right now  
DAVE: its good lets just forget about it  
ROXY: dude i dont want u to feel like u have to bury whats going on  
ROXY: i care and clearly uv been dealing w/some shit for a little while  
ROXY: maybe its selfish of me to ask you to put this shit off i mean just bc i dont wanna deal w/something right now doesnt mean you can just magically stop having an issue on my behalf  
ROXY: if you need to talk about it—  
DAVE: oh jesus roxy you dont need to do this for me  
DAVE: youre right to want some space from drama for once in your life dude like no im not gonna magically stop having issues but that doesnt mean i get to dump it on you without question  
DAVE: you set a boundary and im not gonna push it  
DAVE: im gonna  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im gonna go talk to him myself  
DAVE: ill catch you later okay?  
ROXY: are u sure?

Dave took a deep breath and stood, looking at the worried faces of his friends.

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: gotta do this sooner or later  
DAVE: and its probably best if this is a one on one deal  
DAVE: you dont need to get roped into this  
DAVE: and callie im sorry hes right i shouldnt be taking out my issues on him with your pronouns as an excuse  
DAVE: though to be real i am significantly pissed at him for that  
CALLIOPE: yes, it is rather frUstrating u_u  
CALLIOPE: to be disregarded by someone i consider a friend hUrts qUite a bit.  
CALLIOPE: thank yoU for standing Up for me. i appreciate the thoUght, even if things got oUt of hand.  
DAVE: no problem anytime you need me to beat some sense into him im your guy  
DAVE: or anyone really ill kick anyones ass for you  
DAVE: even karkats just say the word  
KARKAT: YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON’T REGULARLY TELL ME YOU’RE GOING TO KICK MY ASS OVER THE MOST INANE SHIT ALREADY.  
DAVE: lol  
CALLIOPE: thank yoU dave, bUt hopefUlly that shoUldn’t be necessary. ^u^  
DAVE: yeah for his sake lmao  
DAVE: anyways im outie  
DAVE: ill talk to yall later  
ROXY: ok...  
ROXY: txt me if u need anything ok?  
DAVE: yeah sure  
DAVE: enjoy breakfast

Dave gave Karkat an affectionate pat on the shoulder as he turned to leave. Karkat leaned into the touch, giving him an expression Dave knew to be encouraging before he finally headed for the door. Dirk was already gone by now, but Dave had a pretty good guess as to where he went.

As he flew towards Dirk’s studio, he finally had a moment alone to recollect himself. So the angry part had come out, he assessed. If Dirk was already on the defensive, it would probably be hard to have a conversation with him without that happening again—but he wasn’t about to back down now. Dirk’s apartment didn’t take long to get to, making Dave wish he had more time to gather his thoughts, but he touched down straight in front of his door and knocked anyway. There was no answer at first, but after a long moment, Dave could hear shuffling from inside. Dirk called out from just beyond the door.

DIRK: Yeah?  
DAVE: hey uhh  
DAVE: its me

Dave could hear locks sliding out of place before the door opened. Dirk stood there, face deadpan, but his shoulders were tense. Dave took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets.

DAVE: so ummm  
DAVE: sorry about grilling you at breakfast  
DAVE: im not gonna lie and say you didnt deserve some of that like genuinely im pretty pissed that youre still consistently misgendering calliope but i mean  
DAVE: yeah theres  
DAVE: more to it than that  
DAVE: i went off at a bad time and place and theres other shit im figuring out that slipped through  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: yeah  
DIRK: Okay? So this is a “sorry, not sorry” thing.

Dave gritted his teeth, clenching his fists inside his pockets.

DAVE: listen man  
DAVE: im not gonna apologize for getting on your case about disrespecting your own damn friend  
DAVE: in my opinion you deserve a good old fashioned beatdown for that  
DAVE: i mean callie of all people  
DAVE: from what i hear theyve been nothing but good to you so they deserve some effort back from you  
DAVE: but i mean also that shit shouldnt be conditional either its sort of just a basic fucking thing  
DAVE: but anyway  
DAVE: i wasnt apologizing to you for that im apologizing because theres unresolved shit that ive clearly needed to talk to you about for a while and i didnt so i exploded a bit at breakfast  
DAVE: hence the avoiding thing  
DAVE: im just here to explain myself on that  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: Do you wanna come in?  
DAVE: uhh  
DAVE: sure

Dirk stepped aside to let Dave in. Dirk was clearly working on at least a couple projects at the moment; he immediately headed back to one of the worktables and started fiddling with some wiring. He nodded to the couch where Dave had taken a seat, clearly indicating he was listening. Dave thought about asking for Dirk’s full attention, but honestly, he was grateful for the excuse not to make eye contact.

DAVE: so like  
DAVE: i guess um  
DAVE: you remember that time a few months ago  
DAVE: you uhhhh  
DAVE: man i dont even remember what exactly happened but ultimately i ended up running off  
DIRK: Yeah, I remember. You and I got some people asking for autographs after a Rumble In Da Pumpkin Patch show and one of them wanted to see my sword.  
DIRK: I decided to be all flashy about taking it out and the next thing I knew, you were gone. I figured maybe something about it just reminded you of my alternate self.  
DAVE: ...yeah  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: youre pretty on the mark  
DIRK: So this is about that, then? I remind you too much of him?

He probably didn’t intend for his tone to be so accusatory, Dave rationalized to himself as he tried to keep himself together. He was starting to get that fog in his head again, so he stood and stepped over to the window, opening it up to take a deep breath of fresh air. Dirk didn’t speak as Dave did his best to ground himself before he turned back to face him, leaning against the windowsill.

DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: you do  
DAVE: i know thats not fair in a general sense but when you do shit like misgender your friends or completely disregard it when people try to tell you to be better it definitely doesnt help that  
DIRK: Dude, I said back at breakfast that you were right. I apologized. I don’t understand where I’ve allegedly disregarded it.  
DAVE: i mean yeah you said sorry and everything back then but how many times have you apologized for misgendering them versus actually using the right pronouns  
DAVE: you can only apologize so many times before the apology becomes completely useless  
DAVE: this isnt the only event im talking about im talking about a bunch of shit that you apologize for and then never actually fix  
DAVE: you told me back before the big fight you wanted to take responsibility for the actions of your other selves but how can you ever possibly to expect to take on that responsibility if youre not even gonna own up to your own current mistakes  
DIRK: ...  
DAVE: ive uhh  
DAVE: ive been going to therapy  
DAVE: i realized i have a dissociative disorder  
DAVE: osdd specifically  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: What type?  
DAVE: ...well like we can get way into this if you want but the short of it is i dont really fuck with the 1a or 1b bullshit that feels too restrictive and doesnt actually describe my experience with things  
DAVE: some parts are more defined than others and i only sometimes get amnesia so i mean im kinda getting the best of both worlds on that front  
DIRK: Yeah, I thought it was strange to have those subtypes further categorizing something that can be so deeply varied. I don’t think it really even makes too much of an effective difference to put such strict criteria on a dissociative disorder. The brain finds so many ways to accommodate for stress in order to survive, so your needs for alters are going to be so different from someone else’s just depending on your different life experiences and trauma. Leaving it just at OSDD makes sense to me.  
DAVE: ...huh  
DAVE: you know your shit on this  
DIRK: I read about it some myself. I thought maybe it could explain some shit about me, but I think what I’ve got going on is different.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: well um  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: that time i ran off  
DAVE: that was uhhhh  
DAVE: a different part that kicked in  
DAVE: and at breakfast that was also another part  
DAVE: i dont wanna use this as excuses because its all obviously still me but i hope it explains some things  
DAVE: and uhhh  
DAVE: well  
DAVE: ...

Dave moved away from the window, sitting back down on the couch and running his hand through his hair. He took a deep breath and forced the words out.

DAVE: ive been like this for as long as i can even remember  
DAVE: all because of how my bro treated me  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: i dont think i can like  
DAVE: consistently be around you  
DAVE: not for a little while at least  
DAVE: i need to work through some shit first  
DAVE: every time im around you im launched right back into trauma time and i know im gonna have to address that eventually but  
DAVE: i need to get good at this brain shit first before i can really get into that  
DAVE: im struggling as it is to get in touch with parts of myself and really recognize what i actually need to work on i guess  
DAVE: and i dont think i can do that if im consistently being put in a situation that inherently makes me feel like i need to be hiding my weaknesses  
DAVE: which just happens when im around you  
DAVE: and i mean i think part of that actually is shit you need to work on yourself  
DAVE: you need to be more genuine too all this irony and cool dude shit just doesnt actually do you any favors  
DAVE: its never done me any favors at least  
DAVE: i think someday we could converge back and id be cool with it but  
DAVE: not for now  
DAVE: im sorry  
DIRK: ...

Dirk continued to work on his project silently, as though he’d never heard Dave walk in in the first place. Dave sat there quietly with him, waiting on a response, but even after a long minute passed, Dirk never offered one. Dave let out a long breath and stood.

DAVE: um  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: unless you got anything else to say  
DAVE: i think ill jet  
DIRK: ...Wait.

Dave stopped, watching as Dirk finally took his hands away from his work to rest them in his lap. He tipped his head back, staring at the ceiling for a long moment as he collected his thoughts.

DIRK: I know I don’t make it easy. I’m not gonna sit here and give you excuses. I promised you before the fight I would take responsibility, but I think that was just an easy way to overwhelm myself and make my shittiness feel more inevitable. The fact is, I want to make things better for you, but the way I’ve been going about it just hasn’t done jack shit.  
DIRK: I could tell you all about how lonely it was to be completely by myself aside from a couple online friends, but that describes half our friend group, and they’re all leagues better than I am. I have no excuse. I’m just not a good person.  
DIRK: You really are better off with the others than you are with me. You’re the dude I looked up to for half of my life, and I misconstrued everything you stood for to be whatever was most convenient for me. I really failed you.

Dave’s chest began to feel tight as Dirk spoke, guilt gripping him until he felt suffocated.

DAVE: i  
DAVE: i cant  
DAVE: dirk i cant do this  
DAVE: please please dont give me that shit  
DAVE: i think...  
DAVE: i think im gonna go  
DIRK: Dave, hold on.  
DAVE: what  
DIRK: I’m sorry. I really am. For everything. I know I’m a shitty person, you don’t have to tell me twice. I fucked up Jake’s life, I fucked up your life...you think that doesn’t weigh on me?  
DIRK: Fuck, Roxy was the only reason we stuck together as a group long enough to get through Sburb. I bully people into doing what I want and *being* what I want them to be. That’s just who I grew up to be.  
DAVE: DIRK  
DAVE: do you really fucking think i need to hear this  
DAVE: i know this is a tough request and im fucking sorry for it but dude  
DAVE: is this really how you handle this shit?  
DAVE: its no fucking wonder you and jake didnt work out  
DAVE: dudes the most nonconfrontational person ive ever fucking met and you make it absolutely impossible to talk to you when you fuck up  
DIRK: That’s not fair. You don’t know what happened during our relationship.  
DAVE: well i can pretty well fucking guess

Dave couldn’t help but flinch back when Dirk shot a harsh glare at him. His vision blurred and his body grew limp for an amount of time he couldn’t possibly gauge. By the time some part of him was in control, Dirk had already stood and was turned away from Dave, leaning against one of his other worktables.

DIRK: Well, you get it, at least. You get that I’m just a shitty person. You’re smart to want to leave.  
DIRK: So just go.

Dave stared at Dirk’s back. He hadn’t looked quite so much like Bro back when they first met, but now that they were growing older, there was hardly any indication that this wasn’t the same Bro, just dressed differently. Dave practically scrambled out the door, forgetting all about his power to fly until he was out of sight of Dirk’s apartment. Hands shaking, he pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contacts. He instinctively wanted to pull up his texts with June, but just the fact that _her_ name was different was enough to shock him back into the present. Right. He was 23, and that wasn’t actually Bro. He let out a breath and scrolled down to Karkat.

TG: hey  
TG: im done with dirk  
TG: where are you at now  
CG: I’M AT JUNE’S HOUSE. WE ENDED UP DOING TAKEOUT INSTEAD  
CG: HOW’D THINGS GO WITH DIRK?  
CG: OH, I GOT YOU YOUR NASTY ASS OMELET BY THE WAY.  
TG: ill be there in a bit  
TG: can we go home  
CG: OF COURSE.  
CG: I’LL SEE YOU IN A BIT.  
TG: yeah see you

It took a little bit of straining to remember the direction to June’s house, but eventually, Dave finally saw it off in the distance. It was so wild, he thought, that at the actual age of 12, he would have given anything in the world to just fly to his friend’s house like that whenever he felt like. Was he taking that for granted now? June’s house, the exact same house she’d grew up in, the house he had dreamed of visiting, was so easily accessible. He stood in the front yard for a long moment, taking in the sight, feeling as though he was there for the first time in his life. He knocked on the front door awkwardly, answered pretty soon after by June herself. She stood aside to allow him in, but Dave found himself frozen there.

JUNE: hey dave!  
JUNE: your food’s in the fridge, if you want it.  
DAVE: hey thanks m  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: thanks june  
DAVE: i was kinda thinking i was just gonna pick up karkat and go though

June’s expression fell a bit.

JUNE: oh, ok.  
JUNE: how did it go with dirk?  
DAVE: it went ok i guess  
DAVE: you know how it is we arent the type to really get hung up on shit we just keep it real  
DAVE: tell it like it is  
DAVE: no reason to get all wound up about shit you KNOW were too cool for that  
DAVE: its all good  
DAVE: im just going home cuz i gotta  
DAVE: yknow  
DAVE: get some project work done  
JUNE: ...huh, alright.  
JUNE: do you...want me to go get karkat?  
DAVE: oh nah ill come in for a sec  
JUNE: alright. and for the love of god, PLEASE take your fucking omelet with you, i don’t want that shit in my fridge.  
DAVE: lol

Dave tentatively moved into the house, taking in the sights as if it was all new to him. Karkat and Calliope sat on the couch in the living room, Karkat looking infinitely more comfortable than Dave had expected from him. Calliope greeted him politely as Karkat stood, June walking past to get Dave’s food from her fridge.

DAVE: hey karkat  
DAVE: ready to go  
KARKAT: YEAH, SURE.  
CALLIOPE: oh, yoU’re not staying? u_u  
DAVE: yeah sorry callie i gotta get back to some stuff at home  
DAVE: wheres roxy by the way  
CALLIOPE: i believe he’s on the phone with dirk.

Dave felt a shot of anxiety pierce through his stomach.

DAVE: oh cool yeah thats fine yeah cool

June quickly returned, holding out the box to Dave.

JUNE: you sure you don’t wanna hang out for a bit? when roxy gets back we were gonna watch that remake of ghost.  
DAVE: oh what the fuck seriously  
DAVE: you mean that shit with the pottery scene and everything  
JUNE: uhh, yeah dude!  
DAVE: you expect that to convince me to stay  
DAVE: thats like a threat you give me when you want me out of your house as soon as fucking possible  
KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF, IT’S NOT THAT BAD!  
KARKAT: MY ONLY CONCERN IS WHETHER THE REMAKE HOLDS UP OR NOT.  
DAVE: man theres nowhere to go but up with that movie you cant convince me otherwise

Just as Dave said this, Roxy began descending the stairs, giving Dave a smile when their eyes met.

ROXY: oh hey dave  
ROXY: we were gonna watch the ghost remake u gonna stick around?  
DAVE: nah sorry  
DAVE: i gotta go  
ROXY: awww cmon its not gonna be nearly as fun without u n karkat  
DAVE: do you even know how fascinating it is to hear fun be used to describe any experience with ghost  
DAVE: the only fun i could possibly have with ghost is sticking the dvd in my microwave and hope it fucking explodes and kills me instantly  
KARKAT: DUDE, GHOST IS NOT THAT BAD! SURE, IT’S PRETTY CHEESY, BUT THE POTTERY SCENE WAS FUCKING ROMANTIC, YOU’RE JUST SHITTING ON IT BECAUSE YOUR GENTLE CONSTITUTION CAN’T HANDLE THE MERE SIGHT OF PATRICK SWAYZE SHIRTLESS.  
DAVE: do you really think thats an insult  
DAVE: no dude thats just completely rational shit  
DAVE: are you trying to tell me you dont wanna die the instant you see that dude topless  
KARKAT: NO, AND NOT BECAUSE I NECESSARILY THINK HE’S ATTRACTIVE, I JUST HAPPEN TO THINK IT’S A COMPLETELY NEUTRAL EXPERIENCE. IT’S REALLY NOT AS FUCKING BAD AS YOU SAY IT IS.  
DAVE: sure sure tell yourself that all you want but i know a dude whos unreasonably into patrick swayze when i see one  
KARKAT: OH, FUCK YOU, YOU’RE COMPLETELY FUCKING INSUFFERABLE TO WATCH MOVIES WITH!  
ROXY: see this is EXACTLY the energy we need when we watch ghost  
ROXY: otherwise theres like no point in even putting it on  
JUNE: hey! >:(  
DAVE: uhh

Dave crossed his arms uncomfortably, glancing around the room at his friends. Everything about this group just made him feel unbearably alienated—he knew these people, and he knew parts of him cared about them, but where was the group _he_ felt so close to? Everything was so different, now.

That was all for the best, another part of himself reminded him. Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad.

Dave nodded almost imperceptibly to himself.

DAVE: ok sure why not  
DAVE: ill stick around  
DAVE: if youre good with that karkat  
KARKAT: AND HAVE YOU JUST COMPLETELY DUNK ON ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES??  
DAVE: cmon june loves it too you wont be the only one in the room who likes it for once in your miserable life  
JUNE: yeah, karkat, i need SOME ONE to stand up for this movie.  
KARKAT: UGH. FIIINE.  
KARKAT: BUT I’M NOT TAKING YOUR SHIT, STRIDER.  
ROXY: yo dave actually could i talk to you for a minute  
ROXY: just one on one  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah sure

Roxy led Dave upstairs, where they stepped into what used to be June’s dad’s study. Dave felt a twinge of guilt using this room to have a private conversation, but June hadn’t seemed too upset by converting it to her own office, so Dave decided not to bring it up. Roxy took off his shades, fiddling with them in his hands and looking down with a torn expression.

ROXY: so  
ROXY: dirk called  
DAVE: ...yeah  
DAVE: so i hear  
ROXY: listen i totally get it if u need some space from him  
ROXY: hes kind of an intense dude and uv got loads of reasons to be conflicted abt him  
ROXY: im not gonna try n convince u to give him another chance but  
ROXY: i just wanna say  
ROXY: if u ever want help going over shit with him again someday im happy to help  
ROXY: or if not i support ur decision  
ROXY: i know how he gets im not dumb  
ROXY: but. well  
ROXY: that whole mess is real complicated so lets not open that can of worms rn but im just saying i get it and i dont think its wrong of you to take a step back or anything  
ROXY: just like. pls know im here  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah thanks roxy  
DAVE: what...specifically did he say  
ROXY: :( sorry dave he told me a lot  
ROXY: about your diagnosis and the things you said  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: its not that i wanted to hide shit from you or anything—  
ROXY: dave dude its ok  
ROXY: if u werent comfy telling me then thats ur own business  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i just didnt want you to have to get involved  
DAVE: i know youre close and i dont want my own issues to fuck with your friendship with him if it doesnt have to  
ROXY: :( yea i get that but you dont have to prioritize my friendship with him over your own health  
ROXY: im here for u no matter who youve got beef with  
DAVE: idk if id even call it beef  
ROXY: oh yea for sure sorry if that sounded like. devaluing of how important it is i didnt mean it that way  
ROXY: like its hells of complicated on all fronts  
ROXY: all this ecto-family alt self trauma bs really fucks with p much everything  
ROXY: and its not like dirk is really one to uncomplicate shit  
ROXY: i love that dude and all but jesus shitting christ he absolutely needs to work thru some shit  
ROXY: honestly i cant say im too surprised that this happened  
DAVE: ....  
ROXY: ...oh but thats probably not rly anything u wanna hear huh  
DAVE: nah its fine  
DAVE: i know its complicated  
DAVE: i do wanna make an effort for him later if hes willing to put in effort too  
DAVE: i just gotta chill for a bit  
ROXY: yea i totes get that  
ROXY: i gotta admit i probs gotta step up a little too  
ROXY: i think i kinda let shit slide with him that i shouldnt  
ROXY: my first instinct is to keep the group together but i mean what good does that do anyone if the groups suffering  
ROXY: i think it was just easier to let the shit dirk pulled with jake slip thru the cracks bc i knew jake would stick around regardless but if i went after dirk over it hed  
ROXY: well  
ROXY: actually yea thats that whole can of worms i dont wanna open right now  
ROXY: my point is i see ur issues and i dont wanna let all that shit slide anymore  
ROXY: so hopefully someday he will actually improve enough for yall to reconcile  
DAVE: man that sounds like a lot  
DAVE: are you sure you want that to be like  
DAVE: your responsibility  
ROXY: i dont rly view it like that  
ROXY: i mean idk maybe ur right but i think this is what i want  
ROXY: dirks a shithead but i care about him and i care if hes hurting people  
ROXY: i want him to improve just as much as anyone else  
ROXY: and he listens to me  
ROXY: so i think this is for the best  
DAVE: damn  
DAVE: well if youre sure  
DAVE: just dont let it like consume your life or define your whole relationship that sounds toxic as shit  
ROXY: ...  
ROXY: nyway we should go chill now i deeply need to chill  
DAVE: fuck yeah lets go watch a shitty movie  
ROXY: FUCK yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter i was kinda thinking of writing was a much-awaited chapter where dave talked about all this with june but i never ended up getting around to it. if that sounds like smth people want though i might end up writing one up. other than that tho this doesn't really feel like a fully comprehensive story, just some random shit i wrote while i was in hell but regardless if u got this far i hope u liked it!


End file.
